Why are we Fighting all the Time?!

Conflict is a common experience in many relationships, but when it becomes constant, it can wear down even the strongest bonds. If you find yourself asking, "Why are we fighting all the time?" you are not alone. Understanding the underlying reasons for frequent arguments can help you address the issues more effectively and create a healthier connection with your partner, family member, or friend.

This article explores one of the main causes of ongoing conflicts in relationships.

A place for conversation

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking “How are we still arguing about this?” you’re not alone. Many couples come into therapy—or have late‑night kitchen debates—convinced that if they could just fix this one issue, the fighting would finally stop.

But what if the problem isn’t that you’re failing to resolve the conflict…What if the problem is that it was never meant to be resolved in the first place?

That idea can feel unsettling at first, but it may also be one of the most relieving truths about long‑term relationships.

The Truth About “Unsolvable” Problems

According to decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, 69% of a couple’s conflicts are perpetual. That means the majority of disagreements in long‑term relationships don’t disappear, no matter how skilled the communication or how strong the love.

Perpetual issues aren’t signs of incompatibility or failure. They are the predictable result of two people with different histories, values, and emotional wiring trying to build a life together.

These issues tend to resurface not because couples are doing something wrong, but because they are rooted in something much deeper: our family of origin and early childhood development.

We Don’t Argue About the Issue—We Argue About Meaning

On the surface, couples argue about things like:

• Money

• Celebrations and holidays

• Cleanliness

• Parenting styles

• Time, punctuality, or planning

But underneath those arguments lie deeply held beliefs, emotional needs, and survival strategies that were shaped long before the relationship began.

Let’s take money as an example.

Money: Plenty vs. Scarcity

Imagine one partner grew up in a family with a plenty mindset. Money was talked about openly. Generosity was valued. If someone needed help, you gave it. Spending was associated with joy, freedom, and connection.

The other partner may have grown up in a scarcity mindset. Money was tight or unpredictable. Saving meant safety. Frugality meant responsibility. Spending too much felt dangerous, even reckless.

Now fast‑forward to adulthood.

One partner says, “Let’s go out for dinner—it’s been a long week.” The other hears, “We’re being irresponsible. What if something goes wrong?”

Same situation. Completely different emotional meanings.

The fight isn’t really about dinner. It’s about security, freedom, trust, and fear.

And because those meanings were formed early in life, they don’t simply disappear because someone says, “You’re overreacting.”

Celebrations: Everything or Nothing

Another common perpetual issue shows up around special occasions.

One family celebrates everything: birthdays, anniversaries, milestones, even small wins. Celebration equals love. Effort equals care. Being remembered equals being valued.

Another family may have treated special occasions as no big deal. Maybe birthdays were quiet. Maybe holidays were stressful. Maybe attention was scarce, so expectations were kept low to avoid disappointment.

When these two worlds collide, conflict is almost guaranteed.

One partner thinks, “Why don’t you make a fuss? Don’t I matter to you?” The other thinks, “Why is this such a big deal? Why is nothing ever enough?”

Again, the argument isn’t really about the cake, the card, or the forgotten date. It’s about belonging, worth, and emotional safety.

Why These Fights Feel So Intense

Perpetual issues tend to feel especially charged because they touch on core identity and attachment needs. When those needs feel threatened, our nervous systems react quickly—often faster than logic or empathy can catch up.

This is why these fights:

• Repeat themselves

• Escalate quickly

• Feel deeply personal

• Leave both partners feeling misunderstood

Each person is often defending not just a preference, but a story about how the world works and how to stay safe within it.

The Goal Isn’t to Solve—It’s to Understand

Here’s the key shift Gottman’s research invites us to make: Successful couples don’t eliminate perpetual problems. They learn how to talk about them without hurting each other.

Instead of asking, “How do we fix this? "A more helpful question is, “How do we understand each other here?”

That means getting curious about:

• Where did this belief come from?

• What does this issue protect for you?

• What feels at stake emotionally?

• What childhood experience shaped this reaction?

When couples move from debate to curiosity, something powerful happens. The issue may still exist, but the tone changes. The fight becomes a conversation. The problem becomes shared rather than adversarial.

From Gridlock to Dialogue

Perpetual problems become destructive only when couples get stuck in gridlock—when neither person feels heard, respected, or understood. But when couples learn to:

• Honor each other’s emotional histories

• Accept that differences are normal

• Make room for both perspectives

• Approach conflict with kindness and humor

…the same issues can become opportunities for deeper connection.

You may never fully agree on money, celebrations, or a dozen other things—but you can learn how to stand on the same side of the table.

So… Why Are We Fighting All the Time?

Not because your relationship is broken. Not because you chose the wrong person. Not because one of you is “too much” or “not enough.”

You’re fighting because two meaningful inner worlds are trying to coexist.

And when those worlds are met with curiosity instead of criticism, perpetual problems don’t disappear—but they do lose their power.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If you recognize yourselves in these patterns—having the same arguments, feeling stuck, or struggling to feel truly understood—it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. It means you’re human, and you’re navigating deep emotional differences without a map.

Relationship counselling can provide that map.

A skilled counsellor can help you:

• Understand where your perpetual issues come from

• Identify the deeper emotional needs beneath the arguments

• Learn how to talk about long‑standing differences without damaging closeness

• Move from blame and gridlock toward empathy and connection

Counselling isn’t about choosing a winner or fixing one partner. It’s about learning how to turn toward each other, even when the issue doesn’t go away.

If you’re tired of fighting the same battles and want support in creating a healthier, more compassionate dialogue, I invite you to book a relationship counselling appointment. Taking this step can be the beginning of clearer communication, deeper understanding, and a more resilient connection.

Make an appointment today and start changing the way you fight—so it no longer pulls you apart but brings you closer.